Thursday, July 12, 2007

Pizza Dating Personality, or, The Media is Inventing New Dumb Things For Us To Worry About.

This is possibly the most stupid article I've read about pizza ever.

Shoot, I can do better than that.

If your date orders Plain Cheese:
This person is terrified of anything unknown. As such, they are probably terrified of you. Use this to your advantage as you swindle them out of dinner, drinks at a martini lounge, and several cds. Do not continue dating this person unless you dream of a pre-packaged Disney wedding with Frank Sinatra karaoke at the reception. Probably leaves crappy or no tips for the wait staff. Deathly afraid of motorcycles, and probably outright hostile to anyone who rides one.

Alternately, your date could have heartburn.

Compatible with: Extremely boring people who never do anything unexpected.

If your date orders half pineapple & black olive, half green olive and jalapeno:
This person is a Ninja Turtle. You are guaranteed an adventurous time with this person as you battle unlikely villains and encounter other strange vigilantes. Your date knows the difference between drains and sewer lines, and prefers to travel underground.

Compatible with: Anthropomorphic rats, buxom female news anchors, other Ninja Turtles

If your date orders sausage and mushrooms:
Your date is a serial killer. Run away, but try not to hurt your date's feelings, you could send them off on a mass-murdering rampage.

Compatible with: scary old ladies, tough and streetwise detectives.

If your date orders Canadian Bacon and Pineapple:
Your date is mildly adventurous. You might get him/her on the back of your bike. This person is probably a lot of fun. Of course, it's also possible that your date is a reformed Cheese pizza fan, in which case you'll have to drag this person into adventures. However, at least a reforming Cheese pizza person will go along with some of your ideas.

Compatible with: Ninja turtles, Mellow motorcycle riders

If your date orders Pepperoni and Jalapeno, and adds crushed red pepper:
Your date is awesome, and will probably be dragging his/her knee behind you on his/her own bike. Guaranteed fun, but prone to showing up unannounced and talking you into going on a four hour ride to the next state over right now.

Compatible with: Anyone with serious thrill issues.


Michelle said...


I love pizza. I just wish pizza loved me.

And I'm a multi-veggie gal. o_0

buzz staff said...

Like you, I was moved to write about this dumb article as well.